2012 is fast approaching and according to every doomsday movie I've ever seen, humanity is shamefully unprepared against the imminent zombie invasion.The following is a guideline to what precautions we should all be taking to survive Earth's imminent apocalypse.
Tip 1: I recommend implementing some sort of zombie-defense curriculum into every public/private school system. What's the point of stimulating the brains of the youth if they're only going to become food sources for the undead? Classes would include staking, scrap-booking, decapitation, bartending classes, archery, poetry, wake-boarding, tying-knots, chainsawing, archery, gun-playing, hot-wiring and of course, rollerblading.
Tip 2: Take out as many loans as possible ASAP. I call this the "Rapture" strategy. Who cares if you screw your credit score? No one will really care. Use your new found wealth to buy yourself a nice recliner or maybe a new stereo system. Be practical, it would SUCK to be stranded without any tunes or good movies for the duration of the apocalypse.
Tip 3: Always remember to stretch. Tendinitis or "frozen-shoulder" would be disastrous in the middle of a Z-frenzy. WebMD recommends wrapping it in ice.
Tip 4: The longer you put off finding the cure, the longer you'll probably survive.
(Source: I Am Legend)
Tip 5: During the initial outbreak you might want to create a home-base. Fortify all your vehicles with make-shift armor. Stock up on hazmat suits, foods and alcohol. Remember, this is YOUR time, you're already decently prepared, it's not a crime to enjoy yourself (actually, with society in such shambles, there is no such thing as "crime" anymore). Also, stop by your local Redbox. Don't forget to have fun, 90% of humanity will be gone over the next few weeks, maybe play a board game to take your mind off things.
In conclusion: I can see there are some skeptics out there that don't believe the end is near. DON'T WORRY, I myself am experimenting with mutating a strain of rabies to ensure the zombie virus is created and released on time for December 21st. Sit back and relax, I've got this covered.
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